How curiosity helped me confront unsettled grief

Over the last year I’ve become undeniably aware of a new presence that began accompanying me as I walked through simple daily practices and profound milestones. That presence was a slowly growing voice of hyper-vigilance. For me, hyper-vigilance presented itself as a looming shadow of doom and gloom that whispered nerve-racking thoughts and fears when I needed them least, pretty much exclusively around death and the grief that would accompany it. I had never experienced this before. I did not welcome this guest, it invited itself in. 

However, after reflecting on the last 12 months I can perhaps sleuth out why it found me a comfortable place to harbor… It’s been a roller coaster of a year balancing fear, courage and joy as I’ve navigated an unparalleled level of change from getting married, making a massive career change to preparing to move our life across the country. Oh, and everything else happening in the world we are all collectively attempting to process… 

So, I guess I understand how all this shake up created a new level of vulnerability, inviting in this unwelcome presence. And after too many months living alongside its uncomfortable take over, I now see hyper-vigilance more clearly for what it really is. 

I am pretty certain this new shadowy figure is the latest manifestation of my long and unsettled relationship with grief. 

When the topic of loss comes up with my clients or friends I often gently offer my take on grief. I share that, to me, grief becomes a new constant companion we cannot hope to control. It now walks with us and has a mind of its own. Some days it will walk behind us, far enough behind that its presence can almost be forgotten. However, on other days it will choose to walk right beside us where we cannot hope to ignore it or even, at times, jump on our back, requiring to be carried and becoming a weight too heavy to bear. The worst part is, we often cannot predict where it will choose to walk or when *sigh*.

I wish I could better control this companion and trust me, I’ve tried. In the last 12+ years since I unexpectedly lost my dad I have tried in so many ways to tell grief to kick it. I’ve tried to outsmart it, smother it with 'strength', work to achieve so much that perhaps I can 'beat it’, keep so busy I can surely 'avoid it', or even support others with their grief thinking it will process mine through osmosis. Yeah, none of it worked. 

So, here I am, with my persistently present companion of grief masking itself as hyper-vigilance and leaving me to confront consistent fearful thoughts of impending death. 

Thanks, grief. I get it, you win. *eye roll* 

Since I can’t beat my hyper-vigilance, instead I realized I must bring myself to confront it. 

The coach in me decided the only way to confront something this immense is through something even more powerful: curiosity.  

So I got curious. I asked loads of questions and tried to explore potential reframes that would turn all this fear into something useful and maybe, just maybe I can find some comfort. 

Often I was left confused or lost in thought as I attempted to dig deeper into the depths of self-understanding. Then I asked the tough question I was conveniently avoiding:

“What if I actually did die tomorrow… What feeling does that truly trigger?”  

Finally, I found myself reckoning with this all-consuming fear by reflecting on the life I’ve built, the risks I’ve taken, the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made, the people I surround myself with and the values I strive to honor. 

Once I was able to quiet the hyper-vigilant voice enough to hear my own true answer, this reflection worked and I liked what I heard. To my surprise, I would feel proud. Not of dying but with what I would leave behind and all the life I have lived so far.

I now find so much comfort in this reflection and my reaction. Comfort in knowing that if my new found fears are realized too soon, that they will be met with pride as well as a desire to continue to take fierce action. 

This perspective cast a warm glow on my hyper-vigilant shadow, transforming it from something to fear and fight into a welcomed presence that keeps me accountable. It pushes and encourages me to evaluate my daily decisions by the high standard that if it all ends tomorrow I am living the life I dreamed for myself, even if not complete, and I am striving to make a meaningful impact, even if that impact hasn’t come to its full fruition yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see this as a groundbreaking concept by any means. I see it for what it is, the right question asked at the right time, offering me a fresh perspective full of light. As long as I continue to revisit this question it has the potential to confront any instinct of being paralyzed by fear and instead inspire action so I can continue to feel comforted despite how long my hyper-vigilance friend decides to hang around. 

My journey with grief and fear of death is far from complete (surely this journey has no real end) but at this moment I feel at ease, something I am not sure I’ve ever said with any true confidence before. I’ve taken another step down the path of processing these tough topics and I’ll take it. 

So, what’s the real ‘so what’ here? What am I keeping myself accountable to? I am so glad you asked… 

I am committed to continuing to confront those consuming fearful thoughts with curiosity and to challenge myself to take that risk, choose the adventure, seek all the joy, show more kindness and savor it all - the good and tough moments. I won’t be perfect, never have been and never will be, but I will strive to be intentional and honest with myself and others along the way.   

I’m resolved to not let the paramount and unavoidable reality of death fuel relentless fear or keep me hidden away in its darkness. Instead, I will strive to let it fuel a life so big and full of so much light that even death itself can’t put it out. 

Now, what's your new 'so what'?